It's been a long time
coming but I believe I have enough ammunition now to be allowed to whine
about things that just aren't right. This is not opinion, but fact. I'm
not so arrogant as to think my opinion is gold-encrusted and worthy of
the moniker "fact", but rather, these things I'm about to kick and
scream about are so one-sided I challenge you to find a valid counter
argument. If you can, I'll shut this blog down and move every 6 months, forever wallowing in the
fact that my distorted view of what is right and wrong in no way aligned
with the people I called peers. Readers that do in fact subscribe to
the notion that my written words are The Written Word..... you're sick,
get out. I don't want to be your prophet.
I almost called this one "Starbucks" for the simple reason that I get
pissed off on about 90% of my visits there. Keep in mind I live in a
college town, I study at the same library every day, and they
%^&*ing put one AT THE FRONT FUCKING DOOR. (Sorry, I lose the
ability to censor myself when I get like, really mad.) It goes without
saying I visit Starbucks a lot. It got so bad, one week they gave me a
t-shirt that said "Starbucks Stud" and they said I'd get 20% off every
time I bought something while wearing it.
(That didn't happen. Nobody actually cares.)
But
seriously, did Mr. Starbucks knock up an administrator to get
exclusive rights to my bank account? Double-yew tee eff, mate.
Whatever, I've come to accept I'm a slave to the machine; that's not
what I'm mad at. It's really more the people. No, it's the behavior of
the people. (For all you hair-split-haters out there, I'm gonna go ahead
and split this hair: there's a difference. And the simple difference is
I don't want to punch a vanilla latte through the cashier's head when
they don't behave this way.)
By now you're dying to know what behavior so pisses me off. Let me ask
you this: when you pay at a cash, how is your change handed back to you?
Is it coins then bills? Bills then coins? Receiptbillscoins? Receipt to
the left hand, bills to the right, coins volleyball-spiked into your
breast pocket? Simmer on this while I recount my tale.
For the first week I spent in Gainesville, I encountered only a couple
iterations. I was amazed that I was consistently handed back my change
in only one of two ways. And both maddening. The first begins with them
placing the coins ON the horizontal bill(s), forming an origami-esque
money-ship with little metal sailors and sailing that bitch all the way
into your hand totally oblivious to how many fine metal men get lost
during the voyage. Seriously, every time this happens, time slows down.
The cashier and I make eye contact. I see the innocent furrow of their
brow. I notice the quiver of their lip as if to say, "oh my God, I
don't know if I'll make it." And the little money boat makes its way
through the air. Their hand shakes, quivers, sailors getting tossed to
and fro. Sometimes, if they're really dumb, they haven't formed the
Origami Money Ship, but left it flat, to resemble a Cash Raft, even more
precarious for our seaman. Halfway through the journey they quietly
realize, "Damn! Should have opted for the the Origami Money Ship.
Whatever, can't do anything about it now. Gotta MacGyver this shit," at
which point they squeeze their hand, folding the bills into a "V",
reverse-engineering a Currency Canoe! Fuck, even I start to sweat. I
don't know if all my sailors are going to make it. 75% of the distance
covered, only a quarter journey to go! At this
point I realize the risk is too great. By the time they reach 90%, I
usually decide to go Hitch on their asses and cover the remaining 10%. I
reach out and before any of my sailors go overboard, I extend my hand,
fingers stretched to dock the ship/canoe/raft. In desperate times, I
whip my other hand around as an insurance policy and form a little bowl
where our enlightened cashier can just dump this shipwreck and get it
over with.
Gimme
a minute. I'm sweating a little. I'm also marveling at the fact "gimme"
and "gonna" don't have little red squigglies under them. Fuck
everything.
If that wasn't harrowing enough and you don't need to change your
underwear, read on. The second one is similar but worse, believe it or
not. In this version the cashier keeps the coins in one hand and the
bills in the other. Unsure, I extend my hand first at which point their
coin-hand starts to move. I'm thinking, "ok, this is good." The coin
hand comes at me, fingers down, pinched together like The Claw from Toy
Story, grasping my coinage like a bunch of wrecked, computer-animated
Pixar cars. As it approaches, I start to open my hand, palm up, to
receive the goods. But before said coinage touches down, out of
butt-fucking nowhere, BOOM LIKE BABYLON comes their other hand with the
bills. Right before the coins land, the other hand slips the bills into
my palm and almost instantaneously the coins hit right after. Yep, you
guessed it, I've got a goddamn Cash Raft on my hands. Not only that, but
none of the distance has been covered, remember? I extended MY hand. We
still have to journey home! The cashier has this relieved look like,
"whew, at least I don't have to deal with this shit anymore," and now
sits back to see what I was about to do. But I'm no bitch. I know my only hope
is the Origami Money Ship. I suitably clench, forming said ship. My
experience prevails and I can usually get my sailors to shore safely.
So what's the lesson from this harrowing tale? Simple: LEARN HOW TO
GIVE GODDAMN CHANGE BACK YOU MORONS. It's so simple it hurts my medulla.
You have two hands, and you have two types of change, bills and coins.
No coincidence. Grasp bills with one hand, coins with the other. It's not string theory. Reach coin-hand out first, depositing payload
in upturned palm of customer. Reach with other hand and hold bills just
high enough above customer's hand so customer can grasp bill(s) with
fingerTIPS. Release payload. Retract in satisfaction knowing today,
you're not an idiot.
Simple.
Clean.
Worthy of an Apple product launch.
And on to the next one.
-Mtl Gator
(Oh,
disclaimer: this whole post only applies if your change is in fact
bills AND coins. If it isn't, ever, you're a freak and your concern at
this moment shouldn't be this blog but why you're so goddamn neurotic.)
(Sorry,
second disclaimer: I may have given the impression with the words
"enough ammunition" that other things piss me off. Do not fear, they do.
I just want to keep this short and sweet. Not sure the masses can
handle more idiocy. We'll talk more later.)
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